Fertility Files

I effectively killed my children…

Welcome back to the fertility Files If you want to check out other posts in this series about PCOS and all things fertility including IVF click here; Fertility Files. This week I discuss what happened to me years after I have IVF. I effectively killed my children.

After having IVF you are able to freeze your embryos for ten years. What happens is, if you have more embryos left than you have had put back into your body you are able to use them again. In the UK you have to pay for this service after the first year. It is around £190 per year.

When I had Erin I had 3 other embryos left. This was a combination of sperm and egg and resulted in effectively 'a baby'. They were then frozen and I paid to keep them frozen for 3 years just incase I had IVF again. In the process of having IVF you have to sign hundreds of consent forms to say what would happen to these 'children' if you or your partner ended up mentally capacitated or dead. At the time you don't think of this as a big deal as you never think anything horrendous is going to happen.

What I didn't think of what if we ever split up. Unfortunately that's exactly what happened to me. My husband and I separated and went on to get divorced. I had my annual letter through to pay for the eggs to be frozen and suddenly thought; I needed to tell them. It had slipped my mind. One of the rules was not being able to keep the embryos if you split up as they are parts of both of you.

My heart broke. I didn't know what to do. With the letter in front of me I sat and stared at it. I was effectively killing my unborn children. This was something I didn't want to do and felt terrible about.

At work I signed the piece of paper to say I give my permission for them to be 'destroyed'. Yep horrendous wording isn't it. Posting the letter was something I wasn't able to bring myself to do, I just couldn't. Being riddled with guilt, I had to give the letter to my friend at work to post. She's fab and said of course, I even had to ask her to do it later when I didn't know.

The guilt was hellish, for weeks I couldn't forgive myself it was horrible. The murderer of my own children. Yes I know they are embryos and don't even resemble children, but when you have been through IVF to get them they are your children, they are what you made tiny humans.  Even writing this post is making me sad thinking about it, but unfortunately its a fact of life.