Glossytots

(WARNING TMI POST!!) When you go to the midwife for the first time should there be a book with warnings about how you will feel when certain things happen during pregnancy, childbirth and the earth years? Or would that freak every mum out in the universe!?! Are some things better left unsaid? Well I think someone should mention it as I was pretty shocked! So here is my list of horrific, scary and gross things that occur from pregnancy to the early years. This has TMI so be warned!!

• First things first when you do that pregnancy test the likelihood of getting wee on your hands is high! Whether you wee into a cup first or do it on the stick- either way it’s not glamorous!!

• During pregnancy the amount of people who have a nosey up your bits and prod and poke you with all sorts of instruments is untrue! Again expect more wee on your hands when trying to get a sample for each midwife appoint as you now can’t see below your bump!!

• Trying to shave said ‘bits’ whilst pregnant in sheer panic that you could go into labour anytime soon- it’s not happening girls just go natural or have an extremely willing partner!!!

• Mucous plugs…no one warned me about these delights… apparently something that can come away from you at any time and can be several times… Retreat in your underwear and look like someone has blown their nose into them!!!! (Yuk!!!)

• Pooing in labour… yep it’s possible and the stats are high girls! Not in your favour!!! You won’t care and midwives don’t mention it or make a big deal- don’t stress about it!

• Jelly Belly- when you give birth, you look down and your rounded bump has been replaced with what I can only describe as an old grandmas sagging belly! Wrinkled, feels like jelly and when you stand up you feel like your insides are going to fall out!

• Having to put cabbage leaves in your bra as your boobs are so swollen you look like Pamela Anderson! Another delight- when you stop feeding or choose not to feed your boobs swell up, hurt like hell and you look like you should be on page 3! Get those cabbage leaves at the ready!

• Getting into the bath and looking like a milk maid! The hot water touches your body and your boobs are sent into overdrive squirting milk everywhere!!

• Milk explosion! Squirting your child or anything else that’s in the way with milky boobs- your babies ready to feed you try and get a discreet boob out and your child’s just had a face full as well as the dog that won’t leave your side!!!

• Finding baby sick in your bra- all crusted as you haven’t realised your little delight deposited it 3 hours before!!!

• You now have a toddler and it eats real food… this only means one thing- when its sick you have to comb chunks of sick out of its hair in the bath… normally with your hands as it doesn’t want you to leave your side to get a comb!!!

• When children are potty trained they also want to wee at the most awkward places (standstill on the motorway)- this includes weeing in anything that won’t leak… including cereal bags… yes I have been there!!!!!

• Wiping snot with your hands! There’s never a tissue or baby wipe around when you need one is there?!

If you have any more delights you think should be included to my list drop them in the comments below! We need to warn mummies worldwide so they get prepared!